A few weeks ago I received an email from a close Singaporean friend. Among other things, she thanked me for learning to listen to her; my learning and my subsequent listening were gifts to her. I am remembering my first trip to Singapore – the first of many during a 12+ year span. I was guiding a three day ‘worktreat’ (part workshop and part retreat) and there were 30 participants. After the first day I had dinner with my hosts. I reflected to them that I could not ‘read’ the participants; I knew there were cultural issues afoot and I knew that there were things I could improve on but I was not able to obtain the feedback that I needed (one person did suggest, after some prodding, that I ‘write larger on the flip chart’). My hosts looked at me and then one of them said: ‘Just Observe & Listen!’ ‘Observe & Listen and you will learn!’
Most of us ‘know’ that our world is shrinking and it will continue to shrink. We can now have daily interactions with a multitude of cultures. How are we going to listen across cultures? Are we going to intentionally and purposefully strive to understand the variety of cultures that we are going to encounter? Singapore, like the United States, is culture rich and because Singapore is a small country one will be exposed to a multitude of cultures on a daily, if not hourly, basis. For example, within a worktreat I would encounter Chinese, Malay, Indonesian, Australian, Indian, Filipino, German, and English cultures (and then there are the sub-cultures present within these).
For some of these cultures (or sub-cultures) I am an ‘elder’ and so I will not be criticized. I might not even have a person look into my eyes. I will not be approached unless I invite the person to approach me. For other cultures I will be ‘the expert’ who is to be challenged and questioned (so I can prove my expertise). For other cultures I will be immediately approached for it is a belief that I am there to ‘serve’ them. When I am approached, some will come within inches of my face (literally) and others will remain a few feet away and will keep distance even if invited to come closer. I have had the privilege of being in seven different countries and one of the differences is how folks queue up (i.e. line up). Some cultures require one to ‘take and hold your place in line and move up when it is your turn.’ Other cultures say ‘the crowd is the thing and it is necessary to push and shove your way forward’ or you will get left out. For the former, a person ‘cutting the line’ is seen as ‘bad’ while in the latter, a person who cuts to the front is seen as a ‘take charge person.’
I had to learn that cultural patterns were important; especially when it came to listening. I had to move beyond my own cultural assumptions if I was going to learn to listen intently and receptively to a person rooted in another culture. How do I learn about and adjust to the other’s culture rather than expect him or her to adjust to mine? Am I willing to give a gift to the other (and to myself) by learning about his or her cultural norms – and then by honoring these norms?
I am smiling. I am remembering bowing to a woman whose culture is Chinese; we were concluding a capacity development session and I was going to each participant and thanking them for choosing to be with us. The first person I went to was this woman. I approached her and bowed to her before I spoke. She laughed and said: ‘Wrong Culture Mr. Richard.’ I looked puzzled. ‘Chinese,’ she said, ‘not Japanese.’ And she smiled brightly. I blushed and then laughed. The room erupted in laughter and all of a sudden everybody was bowing to everybody else. Ah. This might appear to be mockery. But it wasn’t. It was a time of great caring. Being in the culture had taught me that. The caring: Asian cultures are more reserved UNLESS you have been accepted into the culture; then great humor will be unleashed. I felt part of the culture at that moment. A gift I carry in my heart each time I remember the scene. In addition, my ‘teacher’ of the moment also reminded me that culture does matter. . .Really!
Searcher-Seeker 