Difficult as it is really to listen to someone in affliction, it is just as difficult for him to know that compassion is listening to him. –Simone Weil
There’s ritualistic listening, then there’s goal-oriented listening, then there’s task-oriented listening, then there’s multi-task oriented listening, then there’s debate-focused listening, then there’s . . . then there’s. . . AND then there is Deep Listening.
I have come to believe that one of the most caring, empathic, and compassionate gifts I can give to another is the gift of Deep Listening. This means that I am fully present to my self and to the other; this means that I am awake and aware, here and now; this means that I am intentional and purposeful; this means that I am response-able.
Deep Listening requires me to be fascinated by the other; it requires me to be attentive to the other; it requires that I listen with undefended receptivity; it requires that I practice the discipline of patience. Anyone who has attempted to listen to another in this way for even a few minutes knows how much of a challenge deep listening truly is.
Deep Listening is a gift to the one listening and to the one speaking. Deep listening affirms both the one listening and the one speaking. Deep listening nurtures the growth of the one listening and of the one speaking. People who are deeply listened to, tend to then listen deeply to others. Deep listening opens space for one to speak one’s truth and for that truth to be accepted as ‘their truth.’ Deep listening is renewing.
Deep Listening challenges us. Have you ever noticed how some people, when provided the opportunity, will go on and on and on – a river of talk (or is it a white-water river of talk) that seems endless? Consider that perhaps such a person goes on and on and on because no one has ever listened deeply to them. To spend time listening to this person requires deep patience – ordinary patience will not hold up to the challenge.
Deep Listening takes time, energy, commitment, skill, discipline and patience fed by the tap roots of care, compassion, and empathy. For the one listening it requires that expectations, prejudices, stereotypes and judgments are suspended. For the one listening it requires an adherence to Socrates admonition: Know thy self. The one listening must know what triggers his/her defensive-listening, must know his/her tendencies to ‘fix’ or to ‘control’ or to ‘advise’ or to ‘dominate’ and he/she must be aware of the ‘signals’ that indicate that these inhibitors have been called onto the stage.
Deep Listening: How does one know if one is a deep listener? One knows because one frequently finds one’s self in the presence of another who demonstrates a need to be deeply listened to. Like prophets, deep listeners are a rarity even though our hunger to be deeply listened to increases with each generation. Think about this: Who has been a deep listener in your own life? When was the last time you thanked this person for providing you the gift of deep listening? When have you provided deep listening to another? How do you know you’ve listened deeply?
…without listening, speaking no longer heals. –Henri Nouwen
Searcher-Seeker 