In our country, ‘Father’s Day’ was celebrated this year on 17 June. My son-in-law, Gregg, had traveled from Indianapolis, to North Carolina to be with his parents. On Monday, the 18th, Gregg had a heart attack; the examination also showed that Gregg had had a previous heart attack in early April.
Gregg is still in North Carolina; he is now recovering at his parents’ home. If all continues to go well he will be able to return to Indianapolis this weekend. Two weeks ago Gregg and I had a conversation on the phone.
During our conversation I shared with Gregg my experience in March, 2009. I ended up in the ER and then in the hospital for I had a ‘significant number’ of blood clots in my lungs. I asked the specialist what ‘significant number’ meant and he replied, ‘Significant means, I am not sure why you are alive!’ He paused and added: ‘You have been granted a second bite of the apple. My question to you is: What are you going to do with this second bite?’
I reflected to Gregg that he, too, has been given a ‘second bite’ and I said that given what he was sharing with me it appeared to me that he was already thinking about this question (without framing it as I did). My March, 2009 ‘second bite’ was not my first ‘second bite’ it was actually my fourth ‘second bite.’
My third ‘second bite’ occurred when I was 21 (Gentle Reader, you might remember my postings where I shared my story about this ‘second bite’ with you).
Gentle Reader, you might remember that I had a number of sessions with a Priest-Therapist at Notre Dame (it was February, 1965 and I was a sophomore). Among other things, this P-T provided me with a number of what I came to call ‘Essential Life Questions.’ These are questions that I continue to ‘hold’ today. There are some questions that are ‘essential’ and ‘life-long’ and as the great German poet Rilke noted, we ‘live these questions’ we don’t simply attempt to respond to them. By the by, all the great spiritual, philosophic and humanistic traditions hold ‘essential life questions.’
After Gregg and I spoke, I, once again, spent more time reflecting upon them (not in order to obtain ‘definitive or even specific’ responses). Here are my ‘Essential Life Questions’ (again, my hunch was that Gregg was already thinking about one or more of them):
- Who are you?
- Who are you choosing to become?
- Why are you choosing this becoming?
- Why are you here?
- Where are you going?
- Why are you choosing to go there?
- Prior to your ‘life event’ (blood clots and heart attack) what life-path were you on? Is this the path you want to stay on? If you choose to alter your path – or survey a new path – what will you have to let go of (give up), what will you have to retain and what will you have to ‘take on’?
There are other questions that are crucial, if not essential. In 1989 I was working with the owner of a company. He was ‘evaluating’ his leadership style. I formulated two questions for him. Since then I have offered these questions to every leader (role-defined and situational) that I have had the privilege of helping.
I also invite other folks to substitute a word for ‘lead’ and then reflect upon the two questions. Here are the two questions I ask leaders:
- Does the way you lead get you what you want?
- What do you want?
I encourage them to respond to the second question first and then, given that response, reflect upon and respond to the first. Here is one example. A Senior Executive more than 30years ago responded this way: ‘I want people to be so afraid of me that either they do what I tell them to do or they leave my division.’ He then noted that: ‘The way I lead gets me what I want.’
When a one knows clearly what one wants and when one says: ‘I know what I want and the way I lead (or teach or parent or…) gets me what I want’ then the likelihood the person will change is nil. One is open (even if the window is only slightly opened) to change IF…the one does not know what the one wants or if the one says, ‘The way I ______ does not get me what I want.’
I mentioned to Gregg that while I was in the hospital for ten days in March, 2009 I also revisited these two questions. I framed them this way:
- Richard, does the way you live your life get you what you want?
- What do you want?
There are times in our lives, if we are lucky, that we experience – and survive – a ‘life-event’ (blood clots and heart attacks) and are open to engaging these essential life questions. There are, of course, other significant ‘life events’ that will allow these and other questions to emerge into our consciousness; questions that provide us with an opportunity to take a ‘second bite.’
As I conclude this morning two quotations have emerged into my consciousness; I will end with these.
Become the change you want to see in the world. –Gandhi
I will act as if what I do will make a difference. –William James
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