Self-perception and self-rejection form, inform and support each other. When one is immersed in self-rejection one still has choice. During the week after I had contemplated suicide, my therapist and I were talking about the self-loathing and self-rejection I was experiencing (gentle reader you might recall that in the winter of my sophomore year in college I was, literally, one step away from killing myself; my therapist was a psychologist and a Catholic Priest – the perfect combination for me).
My therapist told me a story of self-rejection rooted in betrayal. Within the span of a few hours two of Jesus disciples ‘disowned’ him (‘betrayal’ does not capture the immensity of the ‘disowning’). One of these disciples was Judas and the other was Peter.
Immediately after their act of ‘disowning’ both became aware of the immensity of their actions. Both ‘wept bitter tears.’ Both were full of self-loathing and self-rejection. One’s perception was that ‘forgiveness’ was available. The other’s perception was that what he had done was unforgiveable. One sought forgiveness. Forgiveness was granted. The other wallowed in despair and took his own life.
Both are role-models. My therapist asked me which role-model was the role-model for me. My therapist also noted that to believe that forgiveness is not possible is the height of arrogance: Look at me, I am so terrible that I am not worthy of forgiveness! I was on the verge of this type of arrogance. Like Peter and Judas I wept bitter tears. Then, like Peter, I chose to seek forgiveness.
I know the power of ‘despair.’ I know that sometimes ‘despair’ seems the most attractive choice. ‘Despair’ solves everything. Nouwen captures the ‘voice of despair’ when he writes:
I sin over and over again. After endless promises to myself and others to do better next time, I find myself back again in the old dark places. Forget about trying to change. I have tried for years. It didn’t work and it will never work. It is better that I get out of people’s way, be forgotten, no longer around, dead.’
This strangely attractive voice (one I am all too familiar with) is ‘liberating’ for it takes all uncertainties away and opens a way to the end of the struggle. It invites me into the darkness from which light is unwelcomed. This voice offers me an identity: ‘I am loathsome!’
There is another voice. This one reminds me that I have been made in ‘God’s Image.’ That ‘God is Love.’ That, as God’s child, I am loveable and love-able. More importantly that God is always waiting to forgive, for this is what love is all about – love is about forgiveness and healing. God is always calling me back. God, in Rabbi Heschel’s words, is always searching for me.
Like Judas I can walk away into the darkness of despair. Or like Peter, I can turn and walk toward God and forgiveness, healing and love. My therapist once told me to close my eyes. To look into the darkness and then to turn my head just a bit and see God patiently standing there waiting for me to take a step toward love. This continues to be a powerful image for me. Sometimes when I am in the darkness I turn and I only see little pieces of light and if I step toward the light I have a glimmer of God waiting for me.
Do I believe the other voice? The voice that says, I am your God – the God of mercy and compassion, the God of pardon and love, the God of tenderness and care. Please do not say that I have given up on you, that I cannot stand you anymore – that there is no way back. There is!
Searcher-Seeker 
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