Today, gentle reader, we will continue to explore the discrete tap-roots that nurture, support and sustain the Conversation-Communication Cycle.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose… (Herein) lies our growth and freedom. –Viktor Frankl
Respond-React (R-R): How many of us actually, truly, believe Frankl’s observation? When I am conversing-communicating it often seems to me that ‘no space’ exists, especially when it comes to my reacting. On the other hand, I am almost always aware of the ‘space’ when I take the time to respond. More than forty-five years ago a mentor of mine convinced me that Frankl is correct – there is, indeed, ALWAYS, a ‘space’ between ‘stimulus and response’ and, therefore, I ALWAYS have ‘choice’ when it comes to my responding or reacting.
When I am engaging in a conversation-communication I am always observing; my observing might well be occurring at a conscious, pre-conscious or subconscious level. By-the-by, my pre-conscious and subconscious are always activated. On the other hand, I believe that all of us have experienced a conversation-communication experience where we were not ‘present.’ I cannot begin to count the number of times when the other(s) asked me: ‘Are you listening to me?’ How many times, gentle reader, have you experienced being physically in a conversation-communication and yet you were not ‘fully present?’
If we are going to be fully present in a conversation-communication – so we can truly choose whether to respond or react – the guidelines that an American Indian Shaman offered us will be helpful. His guidelines are simple – and challenging to follow: Show Up! Pay Attention!
Show Up! Choose to be fully present.
Pay Attention! Choose to become aware of what is emerging from within you and from within the other and from within the conversation-communication. Pay Attention to the space that exists between. . .
If I ‘Show Up!’ and if I ‘Pay Attention!’ I am more likely to notice a ‘space’ does exist and then I can choose to ‘respond’ or ‘react.’
Consider that our response is, more often than not, rooted in ‘reason’ – that is, it is considered to be ‘rational.’ Also, consider that our reaction is, almost always, rooted in ‘emotion’ – and we often label our emotive reactions as ‘irrational.’ Now, to complicate matters, research continues to affirm that we human beings lead with our ‘emotions’ – we are, by nature, emotive beings. Our ‘rational’ capabilities emerged later.
Research also continues to affirm that each of us actually ‘chooses’ our emotions in response to a stimulus (think: person, experience, idea, threat, etc.). The stimulus does not directly lead to an emotion. What triggers an emotion is our ‘self-talk.’ Our ‘self-talk’ is simple what we say about the stimulus. Change my self-talk and I will change my emotion. Frankl learned this during his imprisonment in a concentration camp during WWII.
To circle back. It seems to me that the ‘key’ is to believe that Frankl is correct: We always have choice! The ‘space’ between ‘stimulus and response’ provides us the opportunity to choose whether and how we will ‘respond’ or ‘react.’ Another benefit is that we do not give the other ‘power over us’ – power, for example, to determine how we will feel. Why would I want the other to have this power over me? Yet, we all do it: ‘He/She/They made me feel…’ is a refrain commonly heard.
The biggest communication problem is that we do not listen in order to understand; we listen in order to respond or react. –Anonymous