A number of years ago I had the privilege of being a thought-partner to a number of folks in the Netherlands. During one of my visits my host took me to the Rotterdam Zoo. He wanted me to have a particular experience. The experience taught me a great deal about ‘Eye Contact.’
When I was young I was told over and over by the significant adults in my life that ‘when you are communicating with another make sure that you look the person in the eyes.’ I still hear adults telling children to follow this bit of advice. In our culture we believe that making and holding eye contact with another is crucial. Now, we return to my lesson.
After an hour or so of walking and riding around the zoo we came upon the gorilla area. Prior to entering the enclosed area we were handed special eyeglasses. These glasses did not change what I saw, they changed what the gorilla saw.
The glasses had a picture painted on them with the eyes looking to the side. This prevented the gorilla from believing he or she was making direct eye contact with you. Gorillas, I learned, do not like direct eye contact. Direct eye contact for the gorilla does not invite connection; it is experienced by the gorilla as a direct threat. To put it mildly, direct eye contact freaks the gorilla out.
For us humans the context is crucial. Generally, if the context does not indicate ‘threat,’ we, in our culture, will not experience ‘threat’ when we make eye contact with another person. On the other hand, if the context is one where there are a number of folks present increases (the number will change for each person) it is not uncommon for eye contact to become a threat.
Generally, the ‘context’ says to the person – All eyes are now upon you; you are now being noticed! This is a major reason why the number-one fear/threat reported by people in our culture is a fear of speaking in public [not only will you be ‘noticed,’ you will be ‘evaluated’].
Culture becomes crucial. There are a number of cultures (think: Chinese Culture, for example) where it is impolite to make and hold eye contact. Again, context is important. For example, during my first visit to Singapore I noticed that some folks would not hold eye contact for long. This was, I was told, a sign of respect for my ‘status’ and ‘age.’
On one of my trips to Asia, I had a ten hour layover in Japan. A Japanese elder I knew met me at the airport and took me to a hotel located near the airport. I was able to shower, take a nap and enjoy a long conversation (and some good food); a great way to spend a ten hour layover. My friend, Kichiro brought his younger brother with him.
As we greeted one another I noticed that standing behind Kichiro was a man. He was standing tall and his eyes were lowered. Kichiro noticed my eye movement and told me that the man was his ‘younger brother’ (Kichiro was in his early 50s and his brother was in his late 40s). Kichiro’s brother owned a successful business in Japan. Kichiro stepped aside and this was a sign for his brother to step forward.
Kichiro’s younger brother stepped forward, bowed low, and waited for me to extend my hand. He only held eye contact after I literally invited him to do so. The experience reinforced for me the power of culture.
I have learned that it is crucial to understand ‘Culture’ and ‘Context’ if one is going to understand ‘Eye Contact.’