WITH PATIENCE. . .SUPPORT. . .

‘No way! I am not going to talk to that person! No Way!’ As a thought-partner to others, I cannot even begin to count the number of times during the past 45 years I have heard these words passionately pronounced (nearly verbatim with each utterance which is weird in itself). I heard them again earlier this week. I know it is difficult for you to believe gentle reader but I have also spewed these words out into the world (but I digress).

On Wednesday these ‘No Way!’ words were offered up in response to my inquiry: ‘What might happen if you listened intently and receptively to…?’ The ‘No Way!’ statement quickly followed. I paused. I continued. ‘What might happen if, instead of declaring or debating, you inquired in order to understand what matters to…?’ ‘What might happen if you sought to understand what … is looking for?’ ‘What might happen if you listened in order to discern the common ground upon which you both stand?’

A few hours later, as I was reflecting upon our good thinking experience some words from Ephesians emerged into my consciousness. Here is the complete passage from Ephesians. 4:2. ‘With humility and gentleness, and with patience, support each other in love.’ [NJB]

As many of us know, listening intently and receptively in order to understand is a gift to both the speaker and the one who is seeking to listen in this way. We also seem to know that if we listen rooted in humility, gentleness, and patience while being motivated by a desire to support the other in love that our gift is magnified to the power of ten (if not more).

So, why do I choose not to listen – moreover, not to listen in this way? Well, for one, this type of listening takes time and I am a very busy person. My life is a series of bytes (sound and time). I am suffering from what Milan Kundera calls ‘Hurry Sickness.’ From an early age I was taught to defend and debate and be tenacious when it came to ‘my opinions.’ I was taught to ‘attack’ viewpoints that were contrary to mine. I was taught to label, categorize and marginalize those who were not like me/us. I was taught to listen in order to find a weakness and then to exploit the weakness. I learned all of this well. I have discovered that many others have also learned the same lessons as well, if not better than, I.

Consider that we are members of what Deborah Tannen calls the ‘argument culture.’ We debate more than we inquire. One symptom of this is regularly demonstrated when our Congress meets. As one congress-person said last week: ‘I was not elected to comprise. I was elected to take a strong stand and not give in.’ Given that our Founding Fathers were clear that a democracy must be rooted in compromise, this congress-person’s comment raises my anxiety. Democracy thrives rooted in ‘moderation’ and moderation requires an ‘Ephesian approach’ to listening. Congress simply reflects our culture (it is we, the people, after all who hire these folks). Robert K. Greenleaf asks: ‘Why is there so little listening?’ He also asks: ‘When I speak, how will my speaking improve on the silence?’