ASS.U.ME

I have found that I am able to listen more intently and effectively when I identify and suspend my assumptions.  Anyone who has attempted to do this knows how daunting a challenge this is, for discerning and naming our intentions puts most of us on a very slippery slope.  How do I really know that I am assuming something about the speaker or about what is being said?  What is an assumption anyway?

Assumption = something I take as ‘true’ without confirmation.  Assumption can easily lead to ‘presumption’ — arrogance.  So, I might well ‘take for granted’ that I already know what the speaker is talking about or what the person will say next.  When I do this, I stop listening — there is no need to listen for I already ‘know.’  I stop listening in order to understand and I begin to listen to my internal response as I prepare to speak.  I also know that I am in the land of assumption when I find myself having a strong visceral and emotional response to either the speaker or to the speaker’s words.

During the moments when I am awake and aware enough I might be able to discern my assumptions and then, on good days, I can set them aside (suspend them, if you will) and then I can choose to listen intently and receptively in order to understand.  I can always pick up my assumptions later.  The risk, for me, is that I might well be influenced by my understanding of the other and if I am deeply wedded to my assumption the risk feels like a threat: I might have to choose to change.

During these times of seeking to listen intently and receptively in order to understand I will ask ‘clarifying questions’ and I will ‘feedback’ to the speaker my understanding and then ask if I am truly understanding the speaker.  ‘Understanding’ does not equate with change.  I might well come to understand the other AND continue to hold my own beliefs, positions, ‘truths,’ etc.  I might actually come to appreciate the other and the others position. Again, I can come to do both without having to change.  As an aside: for many adolescents, ‘understanding’ equates to change as in ‘dad, if you really understood me you would let me do it.’  For many of us, we carry this belief into adulthood (by age not necessarily by ’emotional maturity’).

The other thing I have learned when I choose to suspend my assumptions and listen intently and receptively in order to understand is that I come to understand the others ‘intentions.’  I assumed the person intended ‘A’ when what I learn is that the person intended ‘B.’

This takes time, energy and ‘space.’  I know of no short cut — email, tweet, or text — that allows all of this to unfold quickly.  Do I really want to ‘understand’ — you, me, us?

Gentle reader, what hinders you from listening intently and receptively in order to understand?